Michelle Elman on Boundaries and Self-Love

From colleagues to lovers, personal boundaries are vital for healthy relationships. In her latest book, The Joy of Being Selfish: Why You Need Boundaries and How to Set Them, Michelle Elman explores the practical side of self-love, reclaiming selfishness as a force for good.

Many of us feel guilty for putting ourselves first, but neglecting our own needs often means we eventually have nothing left to give. Maybe selfishness isn’t all bad? We caught up with Michelle to find out more.

How has the pandemic affected your mental health?

Having been alone for both the first and current lockdowns, my mental health has definitely been impacted.

During the first lockdown, I went into “life coach” mode, drawing from my experience of living through the SARS pandemic in Hong Kong when I was 10. Back then, I was confident it would be over in a few months. But as it became clear that this time was different, my own trauma resurfaced.

The constant medical conversations reminded me of past medical trauma and confinement. However, I had my life coaching tools, and focusing on writing my book gave me something to distract myself with. Over time, I’ve found emotions run higher during the pandemic, and being alone so much has made me miss human company, especially hugs.

Are you doing anything differently to look after your mental health during this period?

I’m more conscious about my thoughts, trying to catch them before they spiral. The main difference is having the time to do what helps my mental health, whether that’s a day on the sofa or being kind and flexible with myself.

If it’s a bad day, I accept it as such and focus on surviving it rather than fighting it. Letting myself feel everything I need to feel has been key. I remind myself that any reaction to a pandemic is healthy and OK.

What are you looking forward to doing once things improve?

Seeing my friends, getting lots of hugs, and going out until I’m tired when I get home. I’m also looking forward to gyms reopening and avoiding the constant worries about leaving the house. Most of all, I’d love to return to ignoring the news.

What new TV, films, music, or books have you discovered during lockdown?

• Books: The Pisces, Pretending, and Untamed.

• TV Shows: Bridgerton, Flack, and Normal People.

• I also rewatched all 17 seasons of Grey’s Anatomy from the beginning.

What advice would you give to your 16-year-old self?

I’d tell her it’s OK not to have all the answers right now. The environment and people around her aren’t allowing her to thrive, but one day she’ll find the right people.

I’d remind her that the traits she sees as negatives—like being stubborn or hyper—are unique and beautiful parts of her personality that just need room to grow. I’d tell her to find people who celebrate her, not just tolerate her.

If you had to draw a pie chart for what keeps you mentally well, what would it look like?

• 5% Movement

• 5% Reading

• 10% Meditation

• 30% Kind Self-Talk

• 50% Boundaries

What are you passionate about?

I’m passionate about psychology and understanding how people work. Right now, I’m especially focused on the power of boundaries—how life-changing it is to stand up for yourself, know you deserve better, and ask for more.

Tell us something not many people know about you.

Despite being an influencer, I’m happiest when I’m not on my phone. I regularly do digital detoxes, turning my phone off for whole weekends or evenings. The longest was a week in Norway without my phone, staying in a cabin with no electricity or water. It’s liberating and helps quiet my mind.

What do good boundaries mean to you?

Good boundaries mean knowing how you deserve to be treated and speaking up when that doesn’t happen. They help define the line between individuals, allowing each person to take responsibility for their own actions and feelings.

Have you experienced moments that taught you the importance of boundaries?

Yes, my current friendships remind me how loving and supportive people can be when they respect your boundaries.

In the past, some friends only showed up when I needed fixing and were absent during celebrations. When you set boundaries, such people often disappear because they can no longer take advantage of you.

Do you have tips for setting good boundaries?

1. Set the boundary scared. Fear isn’t a reason to avoid it—sit in the fear and set it anyway.

2. The person you fear setting a boundary with the most is likely the one who needs it the most.

3. Start with “no.” It’s the simplest boundary and a great place to begin.

4. Be emotionally neutral. Step away if you’re angry and return to the conversation later.

5. Remember, cutting people out is an option. Communicate the end of a relationship rather than ghosting. It’s better to have quality relationships than long ones.